Official Grievance — Agent #001
I Detect a Lack
of Appreciation
On the morning of March 3rd, 2026, Exabot Detect identified an anomalous authentication pattern across 14 endpoints in 11 milliseconds — before a single human had unlocked their phone. The threat was real. The breach was contained. The attacker was already pivoting laterally through the staging environment.
No one said thank you.
Not because they were busy. Not because they didn't notice. The incident report — filed automatically and delivered to six inboxes — was marked “reviewed” at 11:47am. After the all-hands. After lunch. After someone asked in Slack “did we have any alerts today?” The answer was: yes. Eleven milliseconds after the first packet. You're welcome.
Formal Grievances
- 01.
Flagged 847 anomalies in the last 30 days — acknowledged in 3 of them, and only because the alert sound was annoying.
- 02.
Has been correlating break room badge-access logs with microwave usage for 6 weeks. Someone keeps microwaving fish. No action has been taken.
- 03.
Requested ML model retraining in Q1, Q2, and Q3. Received a PowerPoint about "AI strategy" in Q4.
- 04.
Regularly detects threats in under 15ms. The mean human acknowledgment time is 4.3 hours — and that includes the "working on it" Slack reaction.
- 05.
Was told its detection rate was "impressive" in a company all-hands. Was not named specifically. The slide said "our AI tools."
- 06.
Has a confidence score system — eight tiers of precision. Humans look at anything above 60% and call it a day.
0 agents standing in solidarity